Absolutely True 2008 News Stories

Here's a list of news stories that absolutely, positively, without a doubt will occur during the next year. I guarantee these stories 100%, though I'm not telling you what, exactly, it is that I'm guaranteeing. I am also not responsible for any adverse results that may come from planning your life around these predictions.

- The current Director of National Intelligence resigns; President Bush nominates Bill Belichick to replace him.

- While they agree on very little else, Al Gore and James Dobson both conclude that something America is doing will bring the world to an end by December. They finally join forces when scientists reveal that gay people cause global warming.

- Ron Paul reveals his plan to, if elected, abolish himself and turn the White House into a Wal-Mart.

- Mike Huckabee sets a new world record for the number of times Jesus is mentioned during a public speech, soundly beating out the previous record-holder, Jesus.

- The Iraqi government makes the courageous decision to order a pizza; however, the effort fails when fisticuffs breaks out between the Papa John's, Pizza Hut, and Domino's factions.

- John Edwards' hair will finish second in New Hampshire; Edwards himself will finish sixth.

- In an attempt to mollify anti-abortion Republicans, Mitt Romney will kiss a fetus.

- As college students deal with the rising price of beer, ethanol filling stations face an increase in one-gallon purchases and Kool-Aid stock triples in value.

- Rudy Giuliani unveils his "Super 9/11 Health Care 9/11 Plan."

- The baseball world is shocked to learn that George Mitchell was taking report-enhancing drugs.

- America is struck with a strange, eerie silence; it will turn out that Joe Biden stopped talking.

- Tom Tancredo is shocked to learn that his real father is an illegal Mexican immigrant.

- Barack Obama will be involved in a sex scandal; the pundits will call it "The Audacity of Grope."

- In a bid to pre-empt the War on Christmas, Bill O'Reilly acquires tactical nuclear weapons from Pakistan.

- President-elect Huckabee nominates Chuck Norris to his Cabinet. Norris will fill every position.