Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Cute, Cuddly Killers

Today, the illustrious Jacob informed Mike, Danielle, and me of the existence of the movie Snakes on a Plane starring Samuel L. Jackson. Apparently some assassin wants to kill someone in the witness protection program, so the assassin does the thing that comes naturally to anyone in that situation - he releases a bunch of snakes on an airplane. According to the press release, the passengers and crew must band together in a desperate attempt to survive.

I saw the word "awesinine" used to describe this movie, and will begin using it in everyday conversation.

Inspired by a) the existence of a major Hollywood film based on such a horrible premise, b) my cat, and c) the fact that it was 2 in the morning, Mike and I came up with the next big Hollywood thriller:

ROBOT LASER CATS!!!!!!

There is a secret government plan to fight terrorism: hundreds of robot cats equipped with industrial-strength lasers. The plan is to release these cute, cuddly killer kitties into the Middle East, where they will endear themselves to the families of terrorists and then dispatch them with lasers. However, one of the shipments of robot cats was lost - and then found by a Des Moines, IA pet shop owner. The cats find their way into the homes of cute, cuddly Iowan kids. Now it is up to a hard-boiled Iowa policeman (played by Samuel L. Jackson) and a nerdy robotics expert (Rick Moranis) to thwart the cats and to thwart a govermnent agent (Nick Nolte) who wants to keep the secret of the robot cats safe - even at the cost of hundreds of innocent Iowan lives.

Along the way, the policeman and the robotics expert fall for the mother (Elizabeth Hurley) of one of the children (Dakota Fanning) who bought a robot cat. In the end, the robotics expert selflessly sacrifices himself by diving between the mother and the deadly feline laser beam.

The final showdown between Jackson's character and Nolte's will take place inside a grain silo (where the additional cat hordes were being stored). Jackson dispatches Nolte with the line: "Fuck curiosity. A bullet works every time."

So, all you Hollywood execs who read my blog regularly, have your people call my people. We'll do lunch.

3 comments:

Pierce said...

For more humor on the subject, this story is told by the screenwriter who adapted War of the Worlds, and was once approached to work on the script for Snakes on a Plane. Spectacular.

Ben said...

For the record, I'm writing this comment at Christy's apartment. Her cat is meowing loudly outside the bedroom door. I want to get up and go to the bathroom, but frankly after reading your post I'm afraid to.

wafoli said...

You know, I vaguely recall something like that happening in my four years in Iowa.