Tuesday, January 31, 2006

State of the Onion, part 1

As many of you know, the State of the Union Address is coming up tomorrow (Tuesday) night. Predicting the basic content of major speeches is somewhat of a hobby of mine, so I'll dispense with my predictions forthwith.

First, though, I am holding a contest. Readers, submit a guess as to how many times the President's speech will be interrupted by applause. My guess is 71. The closest to the actual number gets a mention in my next post and a letter of my appreciation.

Anyway, on with the predictions:

- The following words will appear at the beginning: "The state of the union is strong."

- Iraq has turned a corner and is getting better.

- The war in Iraq has made us safer.

- So have the domestic spying programs.

- Also the Patriot Act. Which needs to be renewed without any changes. You didn't need those civil liberties anyway.

- If my critics had their way, we'd all be blown up by now.

- Everyone who disagrees with me has a pre-9/11 mindset. I don't. That's why I rock. Get it? "I rock?" "Iraq?" Ha, ha, ha.

- We need to stop Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons. We need to go to the U.N., since everyone listens to what John Bolton has to say. But we also need to reserve the right to turn Iran into a parking lot. (There will be no mention of helping anti-Ahmadinejad groups protest and gather support.)

- No mention will be made of: Afghanistan, rendition of prisoners to torturing countries, the destruction of a small village in Pakistan that may or may not have killed a minor al-Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden (though thanks to his "recent" missive he has an outside shot)

- On the domestic front, the rebuilding of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast is progressing well. The administration is tending to everyone's well-being. To illustrate this, I'll invite someone who lost their home in Katrina/Rita.

- Two new justices are either on their way to the bench or are already there. They won't legislate from the bench. (Unless they have to in order to push the conservative agenda - but then, that won't be mentioned.)

- Oh yeah, we need to address the corruption problem in Congress. Moving right along...

- Health care in this country is horribly inadequate. We need to make sure everyone has access to health care. The only viable solution is to privatize the whole thing. Health savings accounts will be mentioned. They'll help the poor, since they have all kinds of money just lying around to put into these accounts.

- We need to achieve energy independence. The only way to do this is to drill in ANWR. I won't mention putting research dollars into alternative sources of energy.

- Long shot: I'll comment on how we need to bail out the dumbasses in Detroit who thought we wanted SUVs even after the gas prices shot up. 30,000 people got laid off. What a shame. Can't help them, though. We need to be funneling aid to the people who need it: CEOs.

- And that's why you should make my tax cuts permanent.

- No mention will be made of: Social Security, Medicare, education, and - going out on a limb here - gays.

Check back tomorrow when I tell you whether I have a job waiting for me as Bush's speechwriter.


Anonymous said...

59 times

- NCLitigator

Mike said...

I know it's lowballing, but I can't resist: 42 times.

"To illustrate this, I'll invite someone who lost their home in Katrina/Rita." I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Man, I hate when they do that.

If Dubya actually makes the "I rock - Iraq" joke, I will officially become a blind supporter of his for the remainder of his presidency.

I agree that no mention will be made of gays because Bush doesn't need to catalyze the religious right to get himself re-elected. Plus, most of the states appear to be on his side anyway.

If you ever become Bush's speechwriter, I demand you work in a gibberish sentence involving the word "kumquat" at some point. It would be hilarious if he just read it without thinking about it.

And Mike's final nugget: there will also be mention of the state of Texas at some point, possibly accompanied by the sentiment that said state shouldn't be messed with.

Anonymous said...

78. It was the answer for something at work today, so why can't it be the answer for this, too?

~Jamie, frequent reader, first-time commenter